he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
