Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
