You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
40s are totally the cure
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
