does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize