im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
