oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish my penis had a tongue
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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