I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
