I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
