I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
