I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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