I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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