i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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