Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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