he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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