My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
