Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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