Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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