I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize