drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
