My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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