I accidentally had phone sex last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
God I need to hump something, right now.
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