We're facebook friends in real life
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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