when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
