I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
