I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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