Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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