i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
