today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
