it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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