just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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