I wish my penis had an off switch
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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