i wish starbucks made bloody marys
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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