Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
