my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
