good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
