It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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