Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
