Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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