So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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