the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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