my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
