It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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