Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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