Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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