I'm drive I can fine osifer
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
