She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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