Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
