Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
