I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize