Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
