I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
