Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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