the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
