he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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