I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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