Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
