i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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