I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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