I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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